Happy Birthday
by Loca Bambina
Summary: Yet another collection of oneshots, this time in honor of each main character's birthday. Short drabble-type things.
1. March 22

A/N: Ahh, I know I'm working on 3 other chaptered fics, but I had to get something special out in honor of Kenny's b-day (today!) so I came up with a little idea that won't take up all my time (hooray!). This story is going to be another oneshot collection kind of thing, but there's no word limit (yay). The idea is that I'll write a quick little drabbley oneshot for each main character's birthday (that we know of-ay.) and post it on their birthday. Sound cool? Cool. Next is Kyle, I think, on May 26. Correct me if I'm wrong, please.

Oh, and btw: this isn't the best story I've written so far (is it ever?), but it _is_ the most sarcastic. So don't take it too seriously, okay? Okay.

disclaimer: south park belongs to matt & trey, kenny's bday is today... (that was supposed to be a little poem... hehe)

* * *

March 22

On _Stan's_ last birthday, he flew us all to _Disneyland_ for three days. It was seriously the most awesome time I've had in years.

On _Kyle's_ last birthday, he invited me, Stan, and Butters to Casa Bonita (that wasn't too fun, though, because Cartman ruined the whole trip.)

On _Cartman's_ last birthday, the whole class was invited to his house. He had the most awesome shit there – clowns, a Ferris Wheel, enough cake to last my family a month.

But on my birthday? No trips. No rides. No cake.

I'm sitting at home, listening to Mom and Dad fight. Dad still hasn't realized what day it is, and I doubt he will at all. Kevin came in a couple minutes ago and wished me a happy birthday, which was nice of him, I guess… I never see him anymore, 'cause he's always at a friend's house or something. I don't blame him. Our house sucks.

I'm so glad Kyle and Stan offered to take me to the movies. Mom gave me two bucks as a birthday gift, and Kyle's paying for the rest of my ticket. It feels so weird to have someone else _pay_ for my birthday party, but it's better than nothing…

It's just- it's so weird that one day I'm gonna look back on this, my tenth birthday, my entrance into double digits, and what am I gonna remember? Am I going to _want _to remember?

_Happy Birthday to me…_

God, this sucks. I'm, like, depressed. On my _birthday._

You know what would suck even more? If I died today.

_Happy Deathday to me…_

Wouldn't that just be the _cherry_ on a _perfect day?_

But then again… maybe Damien and his dad would throw me a party if I died. Hmm. Should I… go see…?

It might be kinda fun. Money doesn't really matter down there, so I could have a really big party…

Ah, screw it. No suicide on my birthday. That's just… wrong. Disturbing. Slightly ironic. 'Sides, I do wanna spend time with Stan and Kyle and Cartman. They're my friends (yes, even Cartman) and they care for me (okay, maybe not Cartman), and I want to celebrate with them. 

You know what? I don't think I need a huge party. Just me and my close friends… this'll be nice, I guess. 

As nice as a birthday can get when your dad's drunk, your birthday dinner consists of frozen waffles, and you're trying your hardest_ not _to get brutally murdered by runaway trucks, falling pianos, electrical sockets, mutated turkeys, or Mr. Garrison.

Yup, I love my birthday. 


	2. May 26

A/N: It's Kyle's birthday today! I wrote this a little late - I'd been planning to get it out this morning - but at least I got it up by the end of the day.

Technically, Kyle's turning... 11, I think, if you go by the show's debut on TV. I made him a little older, though, because I'd been wanting to write something like this. I might write a multi-chap around the same idea at some point, dunno.

Anyway! Hope you enjoy this drabble-ish thing (it's slightly the same tone as last chapter. I'm torturing these poor boys on their birthdays XD). I think Kyle would be a little jealous of Stan - he has more laid-back parents, he's athletic, he's got a girlfriend - but at the same time there're traits Kyle has that Stan probably envies.

I'll see you again on... July 1, for Cartman's birthday. Correct me if I'm wrong, please.

disclaimer: South Park belongs to Matt&Trey. Happy Birthday, Kyle! (yes, I know that's not a disclaimer. Whatever.)

* * *

May 26

Have I ever mentioned I wish I was Stan? Okay, I don't, like, idolize him or anything. But it's times like these that I think it might be nicer if I'd been born a Marsh rather than a Broflovski.

At this very moment, Stan is probably sleeping, or eating, or playing video games, or maybe even taking a shit. Whatever it is, it's gotta be more fun than what _I'm_ doing right now. I mean, today's my thirteenth birthday, and it's supposed to be exciting, right? A cause for celebration – lots of confetti, lots of cake, and lots of _fun_.

Apparently, though, this is my mom's idea of fun: wake Kyle up at five A.M., lock him in a room with nothing but a copy of the Torah to keep him company, and tell him to practice his Torah portion until eight o'clock, at which time Kyle will be let out for breakfast. Then it's back to the bedroom to go over the Haftarah till twelve, lunch time. _Then_ I get two hours to chill with my friends before I have to come back inside and practice some more until dinner, after which I have to go to bed super-early in order to wake up super-early tomorrow.

Sounds like soooooo much fun, doesn't it?

See, as I'm sitting here going over the same Hebrew letters for what has to be the hundredth time _this week_, my friends are enjoying the day off from school, going to the movies or ice skating (yes, we have ice in the spring. Stupid South Park). But no_,_ _I _can't have fun, because my mom fails to realize that the more pressure she puts on me to practice, the more nervous I get and then- arghhghghiahifjsklffd!!

Really, I can't wait till tomorrow. The service shouldn't be too hard – contrary to what Mom thinks, I _do_ know what I'm doing – and then there's the party, which'll be fun. Except there's dancing. And I can't dance. But I'll have fun watching Stan dance, since that's one of his talents.

Dammit, Stan has too many talents. His mom's cool, and he doesn't have a bar mitzvah to study for. Plus _he_ doesn't have to miss the new Terrance and Phillip episode because he's locked in a room all day!

I wish I was Stan.


	3. June 17

A/N: Aw, I'm such an idiot. **Forts** reminded me that Mrs. Broflovski's birthday is June 17, and I, being the totally organized person I am, completely forgot.

So... um... a happy belated birthday to Sheila, I guess. I wasn't sure what to do for hers at first, but then I remembered this picture on dA (.Younger.by **noodle-of-doom**) and I started thinking about what Sheila was like as a teenager, so yeah. Short and slightly bitter... as usual, lol. And this is called _Happy_ Birthday, too...

Anyway. Enjoy. Sheila's probably older than Randy, but whatever. :D I'll be back on July 1... hopefully on time this time...

disclaimer: South Park isn't mine.

* * *

Things Mom and Dad Could've Gotten Me for my Sixteenth Birthday

My own phone line.

Or the new Emmie Hartman album.

Or my _own_ phone line.

Or tickets to the Ghetto Avenue Boys show in Central Park next Saturday.

Or even money, I don't care. It's not like I asked for, like, a _car_ or anything like that. Dawn Eilerman and Cindy Miller both got cars for their Sweet Sixteens, but they're spoiled, according to Mom and Dad. Mom and Dad are _very_ opinionated.

Things Mom and Dad _Did_ Get Me for my Sixteenth Birthday

_Not_ my own phone line – I use the house phone enough as it is, apparently. Even though I'm only allowed to use it for half an hour a day, and an hour on Sundays, and not at all on Saturdays because after temple I'm supposed to be _resting._ I think the phone is relaxing, but Mom and Dad don't, and you don't argue with Mom and Dad.

_Not_ the new Emmie Hartman album – the music I listen to is trash, and it will ruin my brain, and if I listen to any music it should be classical like Beethoven or Mozart or, basically, any other music without any words.

_Not_ tickets to the Ghetto Avenue Boys show – even they'll be performing RIGHT HERE in New York, even though this is a ONCE IN A LIFETIME CHANCE to meet my _idol_, Randy Marsh. Mom and Dad say my "infatuation" with them is "unhealthy". Shannon Doherty's parents don't think so.

No, I got one gift for my sixteenth birthday – one gift on the most important day of my teenage life – and it was a _blouse_.

Not even a cute blouse. It's black – so I look slimmer, Mom says, even though I remind her all the time that if she keeps buying me "slimming" black clothes, I'm going to look like more of a goth than a fat girl, and _no one_ likes goths at school. The blouse is _plain_, too, so as not to draw attention to my stomach, according to Mom.

I guess it goes without saying that we didn't have cake on my sixteenth birthday. We had gefilte fish, which I hate, and Dad rarely ever makes it anyway, just for Passover, but for some reason it was important to have it on my birthday, even though I hate it. And we didn't even have dessert at all, even though we had vanilla cake with chocolate icing that said HAPPY FOURTEENTH BIRTHDAY AARON! on my brother's birthday. But was there a HAPPY SIXTEENTH BIRTHDAY SHEILA! cake on _my_ birthday?

When I have kids, I'm going to give them _everything _they want.


	4. June 20

A/N: I lied, I lied. **Jvm-sp150** told me Token's birthday is June 20th, and I hadn't heard that before, so I looked it up. The only site to mention his b-day was South Park Wiki, and it didn't mention any references... whatever, I wrote it anyway. :D And in keeping with the sort-of-tradition of screwing up everyone's birthday, I've tortured Token too (it's South Park. Nothing ever goes right.)

I don't like this one very much, lol. It's completely based off of **Here Comes the Neighborhood**; there are _very _few Token fics on here. I doubt Token's birthdays suck as much as I've written... didn't really get a lot of time to work on this one (I have ten more minutes to post it lol), but then again it's only 400-ish words. Yay for drabble-things.

Okay so I'll be back on July 1. For sure this time. (watch, now someone's going to come up and tell me Mr. Hankey's birthday is June 25.)

disclaimer: don't own South Park, Apple, Sony, or Armani Exchange.

* * *

June 20

A new computer, an iPhone, _and_ a PlayStation3! My parents really outdid themselves this year! Like, wow! I'm _so_ excited for all this new stuff! Oh man, I just _love_ being rich!!

…I freaking _hate_ when my parents do things like this. "Oh yeah, we're the rich family, so let's just _spoil_ our son with thousands of dollars in birthday presents - when _other_ kids in his class get footballs or action figures or _normal_ gifts – and he'll fit in just _perfectly!_"

I bet the most extravagant gift Stan Marsh's ever gotten is his Elway jersey, and I seriously doubt Kenny McCormick's parents gave him even a pair of socks for his birthday, let alone a PlayStation3. True, Cartman's spoiled, but he has so many other issues people look past that. Me, I'm not a fat, stupid, sadistic asshole with a whore for a mom – all people see is my money, which would be okay except for it's _not_ okay. I hate being the only kid in South Park with a DVD player – it doesn't help that now I have an iPhone, too. There's no one with a cell phone to _call_ on it, for one.

I guess the only consolation is my (lack of) birthday party – Mom and Dad had wanted me to throw a 500-person bash or something ridiculous like that (are there 500 people in South Park?), but I talked them out of it. Craig and I and the guys are gonna go skating or something. It doesn't cost anything, and better yet, my parents aren't going to be around to try and convince me to let them BUY THIS! BUY THAT! Damn it, why can't my parents have lame-ass jobs with minimum wage? Why can't they drive _crappy_ cars? The Broflovskis are rich, too, but _Kyle_ doesn't have a freaking _iPhone_, now does he?

What's funny is, even though they hate me for my video projector and my crab cakes and my Armani Exchange sweater, seven people have already asked when the hell they're going to get to play the PS3. I should just ask my parents to get my _friends_ presents for my birthday. It'd make everything so much easier.


	5. July 1

A/N: Aw, hamburgers, I'm fifteen minutes late DX. Ah well, at least it's up... and it's not -that- late.

...has anyone noticed the considerable lack of excitement over Cartman's birthday compared to Kyle's or Kenny's? I mean, obviously a lot of fangirls like them more (I do, lol), but still. I haven't seen one birthday present today or anything... and it's not like people don't know, because it's mentioned on several sites, and I've heard people mention today being his birthday. Hmm. Oh well.

This one's not as... I dunno, cynical as usual. And it's completely, totally based off of "Damien".

See you all again on September 11, unless I hear otherwise!

disclaimer: South Park belongs to Matt&Trey.

* * *

July 1

Kenny is so damn poor, it's not even funny. He screwed up my birthday! He and his whore of a mom and their goddamn annual income of six dollars!

He was _supposed_ to get me the new Terrance and Phillip Ultra-Fun Amusement Park Playset today! And Stan's getting me the Terrance and Philip Ultra-Fun Movie Maker Kit, and Kyle's getting me Terrance and Phillip: Ass Attack II, because he's a Jew and can therefore afford a more expensive present. But I assigned Kenny the cheapest one! The _cheapest_ one, dammit, and he comes over early to the party to say "Sorry, I couldn't get you the Amusement Park, but I got you the Terrance and Phillip Talking Dolls!" _I already have the Terrance and Phillip Talking Dolls_! Aaargh! Kenny is _so_ poor!

I'm not going to let him ruin my party this year. I'm going to sit here and eat cake and ice cream and play with myself until the rest of the kids come with the _right_ presents. Maybe I can get Token to get me the Amusement Park in addition to the SuperSpeed Air Force Attack Action Playset… I know, I just won't let him have any cake until he says yes. That's the only reason anyone's coming, anyway, is the food. They don't give a shit about my birthday. Not that I give a shit about theirs… birthdays are for gay hippies, they're only cool when it's yours and you get lots of stuff.

Last year Kyle gave me this gayass game, Ants in the Pants. It was _such_ a Jew move, I'm seriously. I hate him so much. I really, really hate Kyle.

People should be coming soon. This year, there's nothing competing with my party – no lame good-vs.-evil fight or whatever the hell happened last time. And this year I invited the whole class, even Pip, because otherwise there'd be no one to get me the Mini Bakers Cookie Set, and I need the Mini Bakers Cookie Set to go along with the Mini Bakers Cakes 'N More Set that Clyde's getting me. See? I have it all planned out. Everything should go perfectly, and I'll have all the presents I want by three o'clock.

…except for the Terrance and Phillip Ultra-Fun Amusement Park Playset, because Kenny's so goddamn poor.


End file.
